Week #8 with Ray

My friend Ray lives on the other side of the world.  He lives in a bustling city where it is difficult for one to find a quiet area and experience nature.  After some thought on the subject of meditation in nature, he discovered his sanctuary on his building rooftop where he can see a beautiful mountain in the distance.  He told me that his city is actually surrounded by many scenic mountains and all it takes is an easy jaunt out of the city for a nice day's hike and breath of fresh air.  Unfortunately, he does not get much time to do this.  Life is so busy.  Like Ray, many of us don't take the many opportunities we actually have available to us to explore nature as we should. 


Ray described his "Presencing" practice conversation as letting go from "worldly concerns" and being in the now, the present.  As his conversation with his person progressed, he continued to "cut out the noise".  To me, this shows a real focus on being aware of what is going on, pushing out those niggling thoughts and concentrating on what is right in from of him.  When I asked Ray what he thought it meant to be focusing on his "future self", he replied that it could be about preventing any assumptions about what is happening now and what the future could be.  It's letting the conversation flow where it may, not controlling it.  He described it as stepping back from "the controls" and not being the driving force. 


Ray has a firm grasp on what it means to be present.  I asked him if he found any part of this exercise to be difficult and he only answered that it can be a struggle because it goes against the way we are used to interacting.  Wise words, Ray.  Enjoy that roof top view and go hiking, will you?!

Are you Presencing right now?

 

During my coaching call this week, Michelle and I delved into what it really means to be in the state of Presencing.  I told Michelle that this week's assignment allowed me gain more insight into this act of being that I did not previously have.  Not only did my 15 minute meditation show me things I have never seen before, I was also able to be more mindful in conversations.   


I attempted to put presencing into practice by engaging in a conversation with someone who is a very close friend of mine who I knew about 25 years ago.  We just reconnected last year on social media and have been catching up ever since.  What we have found is that our lives are VERY similar even though we have gone down completely different paths.  Some of the things we have discovered about each other are very personal in regards to a difficult topic. Our meetings remind me of the Circle of Seven women.  In our last conversation together, I paid full attention to what she was saying without judgment and unconditional love.  As others might want to jump in and say “Oh yeah, I had a similar experience...blah, blah, blah....”, my focus remained on what she was saying and its meaning.  I was attentive to her nonverbal cues.  I was mindful that we were connecting to our authentic selves.  This connection of Presencing came from sharing similar experiences and deep listening. 


In the midst of our conversation (and in past conversations), I found that it brought forth our true inner natures, ones that are kind and good.  I made a discovery about our future that we will always be connected through these experiences.   When we talk, the quality of our conversations are at a high level because we have awareness.  We've been out of touch for so many years and have so much to say to each other but we try to focus on only a few important things at one “meeting” over coffee so that it is not overwhelming.  (We often say we wish we had a full 24 hours together because we have so much ground to cover)  Further, when I say our conversations are of high quality, I mean that they convey a deeper meaning and include empathic listening.  There is a synergy as we converse. 

 

Finally, I believe that our dialogue helped her reach a higher potential because it made her more aware of her future actions.  As well, we have established a code of conduct in conversations that will effect  our future conversations. Finally, I think we learn just as much about ourselves as we do each other.  This "expanded sense of self" allows us to emerge into our future selves. 

What exactly is Suspension?

My coachee, Ray, is probably the best person I know to do this Suspension exercise with as he is an avid debater with strong opinions.  The practice of Suspension was an interesting discovery process for him in that he had to suspend his judgment and be silent for much longer than he normally feels comfortable doing.  The conversation he chose to have was between him and a friend that enjoys some friendly debate.  The friend was advocating his very strong views on what he believes to be the transparency of government.  Ray did not necessarily agree with his arguments.  During the 2 part process of Suspension, Ray looked inward and focused on reflecting on what his friend was saying vs. reacting.  As he listened and acted as bystander by asking clarifying questions, he felt a heightened awareness of what he was doing in the conversation.  He realized that he needed to watch his tone when responding so as not to sound judgmental.  He felt that this would show his friend that he respected his opinion.  As he does in his classroom with his students, he envisioned how his friend may see him in this role and what he might have to do to make this a more successful activity.


Towards the end of the conversation , he spoke to his friend about how he felt their dialogue went.  He told Ray he felt "impressed" by the conversation.  I ask though, was it because Ray didn't challenge him in a debate?  Or was he impressed that Ray asked him challenging questions that made him understand his point of view further?  Ray obtained a greater understanding of his awareness and his friend's views but did his friend also have that mutual understanding?


I asked Ray if he felt that Suspension was practical in everyday conversation and where it would be best utilized.  He responded that Suspension definitely has it's place in the stage of generative dialogue.  There is something to be said for the carefulness, mindfulness and suspension of judgment, especially when it comes to conflict resolution.  Inquiry also has it's place.  It was helpful in this situation and both Ray and I agreed that we improvised on this practice by making inquiries with the other person in order to act in that neutral bystander role.  Inquiry was not necessarily clarified in this assignment.  We both agreed we would like to see a model of this practice in action so that we can further wrap our heads around the concept.  Perhaps our professor can be a party to a conference call and observe us in practice?  Or maybe there is a good video to watch on this subject?  We are seeking further information on how best to utilize this practice. 

A one-sided conversation

Today Michelle and I discussed the practice of Suspension and how we think it applies in our everyday conversations.  I told Michelle I had to read and reread this piece about Suspension to understand what it actually meant.  I have decided that it is about suspending judgment and being silent while listening to another person's point of view.  Can it really be as simple as that? Was I trying to read too much into it?  I tried using Suspension with a friend today who is traditionally very selfish and our conversations are usually all about her.  Normally, I would be fighting for some floor time or interjecting with my opinions but today, the spotlight was all on her.  I listened.  I noticed my thoughts as I was listening but silenced them to listen even more deeply to what she was saying.  I suspended my judgments and fought back the urge to interject.  After her long running one-sided conversation (about 45 minutes), when I was finally able to get a word in edgewise, I repeated back to her some of the things she had said for further clarification.  It was then that I offered a few bits of what I was noticing, but without judgment.  I asked questions such as "Have you considered...?" or "What does this mean to you?" to assist her getting perspective on her thoughts.  I acted as a bystander rather than a mover or opposer.  It was difficult not to offer my advice since she seems to always have issues.  Next time I try to use Suspension, I will definitely practice it on someone else where the conversation will not so one-sided.  I think it will be even more difficult when I do use this with someone else because that person will be expecting me to respond.  Still, I am not sure I quite get the gist of what Suspension really is, when to use it, when inquiry comes into play and how to use it to my advantage.  I will be seeking further clarification on this issue. 

Awareness of thought

Today I was able to just let my thoughts be, let them happen, rather than fight them or talk them out, get angry or frustrated.  I went for a long walk with my dogs today because it was just so beautiful and the sky was blue with no clouds.  Usually I let my thoughts take over and I miss out on everything that is going around me.  I just let them be today, acknowledged them and then they flew out as soon as they came in.  My thoughts didn't control me today, I just noticed that I had them.  Normally, I just download and have the same old conversations with myself and the same negative feelings as I get overwhelmed with thoughts. I think that this awareness of my thoughts might help me in the fields of talking nice and talking tough by letting myself have these thoughts but not necessarily act upon them.  I can pick and choose what is important to me to talk nicely about or if it is important enough to talk tough. 
Today, I intentionally observed myself with thoughts about not wanting to go to work today.  I was so overwhelmed with my to do list today that my thoughts were racing everywhere.  I forced myself to become conscious of specifically my thoughts about going to work. I realized that I needed to do some self-exploration as to why I was feeling like this and come to a decision whether or not I would go and move on.  As I was able to focus on this thought and nothing else, I was able to think more clearly.  I made my decision and felt super calm about it. 

An emotional day

As a believer of Astrology, my Sun sign Scorpio is deeply intense and emotional.  I tend to feel my emotions very deeply and it can be quite the roller coaster ride for me (and others!).  Of course, I am quite aware of my emotional states and I tend to dwell on them throughout the day. If I am feeling angry, frustrated, guilty or lost, I have a conversation with myself to try and understand what brought me to feel this way, why the emotions feel so intense, the facts of what happened or what could have happened differently.  I go through all different scenarios.  These negative emotions are the ones I tend to spend the most time on.   I am trying to "solve" or fix them in my head.  I normally just talk it out and then move on.  Occasionally, I will talk it out with my husband or friends but mostly, I just keep everything inside. 


The more positive emotions of happiness, joy and calm, I take for granted.  I don't seem to notice them as much.  I wish I did because I would revel in them.  I tend to feel these emotions mostly after certain activities, like yoga, listening to good music in the car or waking up in the morning to a quiet house.


An awareness of my emotions will help me in situations of "Talking Tough" because if I can get a better grasp of what I am feeling before I hit the point of getting very upset, I can handle the situation better.  I can take some steps back, take a few deep breaths and try to look at it from a different perspective.  If I can't do that, I need to remove myself from the situation until I feel I can be more objective about what is going on and can communicate on a calmer level. 

To breathe or not to breathe

Well, I wrote all about breathing in my last blog...but I have more to tell.  There is a definite connection between breathing and how we deal in different conversations.  In regards to talking tough, simply remembering to breathe is important in getting us to stop and listen.  It stops all the thoughts that tend to overtake people when in tough conversations. Not only does it calm us down in a heated situation, it is way to take some time to reflect before reacting.  It's a good excuse to stop before saying something that you regret.   I often use this method of diaphragmatic breathing with my son to get him to calm down when he gets overwhelmed.  I learned it years ago from a doctor when I was suffering from anxiety.  If I get overwhelmed in my thoughts, I stop and take three deep breaths, counting slowly as I breathe to make sure that I am actually breathing deeply from top to bottom.  After three breaths, I feel calmer.  It works wonders on my son.


Shifting my awareness to breathing in a recent heated discussion helped me to look at the situation more objectively.  I tend to say things without thinking or assessing the situation first.  Breathing and thinking about the why of the situation allowed me to calm down a bit and look at it from a different perspective.  I realized I was wrong and overreacted.  If I had just stopped and taken some deep breaths first when I encountered the situation, I would never have lashed out to begin with!

Yoga

Tonight's blog is about yesterday's awareness exercise.  I just read the coaching instructions today so I can only tell you about one experience I had being aware of just my body, bringing all my thoughts into one.  Every Tuesday night, I attend a hot yoga class. It is very demanding on the body and the heat can be unbearable.  The most important thing to do in this class, and in every yoga class, is to focus on your breath.  You start out our practice by being aware of our breath and only our breath.  We chase away all thoughts and become present in the moment.  Concentration is on your breath going in through your nose and filling up your chest and belly.  We hold it for a moment and then let it all out.  We do this a few times and then we start to normalize our breath, but are always aware of it.  At the same time, we are aware of our bodies.  We realize the spots that are troubling us and send our breath to those spots.  As we flow into different poses, we are aware of our bodies movements.  There is no pressure to move into contorted poses.  We do what feels good for each of us.  It is our practice.  Even though hot yoga can be difficult, the awareness and the breathing help us connect our bodies to our minds so at times we don't even feel the heat. It is very powerful.  As a class, we are interconnected in the practice.  This state of being in yoga can be connected to conversation in that if we quiet our minds and listen to what is being said (or in the case, our bodies) we can create meaning.  Meaning helps us become connected to the other person.  An awareness is created that allows us to see where the conversation is and has the possibility to go. 

What roles do we play? Coaching session 2 with Michelle

After reading Kantor's 4-player model and utilizing it in my conversations with others, I found it to be very eye opening in that it defined the roles we play in our everyday encounters with others.  I told my coach, Michelle, that I practiced activities 1 and 3 with the same person: my mother.  My role has typically been, much to my chagrin, a follower to my mother's mover and opposer roles.  As I have grown older and wiser, I have been trying to move into the mover and opposer roles to try and establish my independence from her.  In my latest conversation with her, I took on the opposer role and she did not take well to it.  She refuses to understand that I have a point of view as well as believe that we cannot all think like her.  Michelle told me that she also falls into the follower role with her mother and generally does not prefer to change that relationship. Unfortunately, I am not as accepting so I generally try to buck the establishment. 


We started talking about cultural and generational differences when it comes to dialogue, as well as nature vs. nurture.  With older people and generally with those in our family, there is a tendency to always play the follower role and not question our elders.  When I think of nature vs. nurture, although I do believe that we are born with some tendencies towards more effective dialogue than others, I also believe that nurture plays a larger role.  In the example of my mother, she was brought up in the 40s and 50s when children were seen but not heard.  In trying to gain some perspective on my mother, I have thought about how she was brought up is most likely the reason she is the way she is now.  To not have a say in anything could lead to a full rebellion against that as soon as a child grows older.  My mother wants to establish herself and have her say but it is to the extent that others can't have a word in edgewise.  Two polar opposites. 


In sharing this model with others, I chose to discuss this theory with my classmates in my other on-line course "Collaboration and Organizational Change".  Having said this, Michelle and I discussed that perhaps it is easier to utilize this theory of Kantor's in an organizational setting.  Michelle was saying that in her place of employment, meetings are generally one-sided and all participants attend and listen and then leave.  Very frustrating.  I think if we can look at this model as a tool for us to use in these situations, it can help us gain perspective.  Perhaps the meeting leader thinks it is their job to always be the mover.  What if we asked that person if we could take on a different role?  What if we chose to be bystanders and offer another perspective?  With that, comes some fear for one's job but it shouldn't be like that.  Michelle said she is follower and I said I am more of a mover or bystander.  I cannot accept things that I don't agree with.  I have to have a voice.  I have learned over the years that it has not always made me so popular but even if my management hasn't like it, I have always been promoted to better positions.  I am hoping that this class will help me to express my ideas a little bit better so that when I am moving and shaking, I am doing so in a productive way. 

Be the change you want to see in the world. Week 4

This week, Ray practiced David Kantor's 4 Player Model theory with his wife.  Instead of being in his normal advocacy role, he opted to try out the bystander role.  He explained that although this role required more of his attention to his wife's discussion about a situation at work, he felt that he was able to give her some perspective to the matter.  In this role, he was more of a coach, eliciting deeper responses due to his more thought provoking questions.  She responded positively and did not seem to notice the role change.  I thought this was curious because in personal relationships, when one acts differently and it is not expected by the other, there can be some backlash.  I would be curious on how this would have played out if he used this model with his boss, who he finds it difficult to communicate with sometimes.  He does plan on trying it out with her in the future. 


We discussed that Kantor's theory, although somewhat obvious and a bit simplistic, can be a great tool for those of us interested in creating more effective dialogue.  It allows us to take a different perspective on the situation and perhaps makes us understand the other player/s better.  Ray provided some beautiful examples of how he was able to think about some situations he encountered differently.  By trying to understand where the other person was coming from, allowed him to respect that person more.  It showed him that people do things for certain reasons and that we should not be so quick to judge. 


Also, it is important that we understand the culture and generational gaps when in dialogue with others.  An example would be in the Korean culture when speaking to elders (and I believe this to be the same in our country), one usually falls into the follower and listener role.  It is not considered respectful to oppose or even be bystanders (unless asked!).  We briefly discussed the nurture aspect of this theory in the sense that when communicating with family members we all have certain roles that we play and are accustomed to/have grown up with, whereas it may be easier to change up roles when dealing with people we are not so familiar with.


Finally, we both loved the passage about Gandhi and how he wanted to experience what the other person was experiencing before giving advice or passing judgment.  Can you say epiphany?  Ray quoted Gandhi "Be the change you want to be/see in the world."  I think this is extremely important that in life if we want to change something or someone for the better or give advice we can utilize tools such as Kantor's model to do this.  It is a great resource to refer to when looking at people's roles and perspectives and gives us some hints to how we can bring about  more positive change.