Week #9 Teachers are natural empathic listeners

Ray and I connected this week on our final coaching call to discuss empathic listening.  I enjoyed my morning cup o' joe while Ray finished up his supper (13 hour time difference).  I began our coaching call by asking Ray if he felt he was an empathic listener and his answer surprised me: He feels that as a teacher, he is a natural empathic listener.  Essential to his job is teaching students to speak English as their second language.  In order to truly reach out to the students, he needs to be able to understand them and listen to what the possibilities are behind the words they  struggle to speak.  Not just anyone can teach students a second language in their home country.  Ray respects their culture; who they are as people.  As a foreigner living in another country, he understands what it is like to struggle with a language.  It's that understanding and the ability to place himself in another person's position that makes him successful in what he does. 


His answer surprised me for a reason:  I never thought of teachers as a group to be empathic listeners.  It seems like such an obvious statement but when we have read and talked about this subject, I was always thinking of listening on an individual level.  Now that I think about it, there are many professions that would require empathic listening: nursing, funeral home, political (I know, I know) and the list could go on an on.  It would seem to me that if empathic listening was taught and ingrained in other professions (attorneys, customer service representatives...) the world just might be a better and happier place!

Week#9 Listening beyond the words.

I told my coach, Michelle, that I was not enthusiastic about today's exercise as it required me to do something I don't normally do...spend time with a particular someone who can be close minded, racist, judgmental and all-around spoiler of anything that has the potential to be good in life. Therefore, this person was the PERFECT someone to try empathic listening on.

I found that the most important thing I had to practice today was patience.  Normally, my impatience with this person prevents me from listening to most of the things that are said.  Today, instead of interrupting, I stopped myself and let that person talk.  I had to start off by just listening to what was being said.  I did not practice empathic listening right off the bat.  I had to be quiet for a long while until I could reach the point of stepping outside of my own shoes and going into hers. This person often complains about work and instead of describing situations, she attacks people and their personalities.  Internally, I get so upset when she does this and this is where the judgment comes in (on my part), which is ironic because I get sick of her being judgmental when in fact, I am being it too. 
Instead of being judgmental, I listened to her words and emotional tone.  I looked to see where it was coming from.  Was I listening beyond the words and hearing something different?  I believe I was.  I heard that she was upset at the way she was being treated and is tired of the same old thing day in and day out at her job. She is older and doesn't the hold the capacity for tolerance that younger people may have.  What she says just comes out differently and is hidden behind some nasty words.  See, the thing is, I have always known this but I have grown tired of listening to it so I am no longer an empathic listener with this person. 
This was an important exercise for me today because it helped me realize that I am capable of empathic listening with everyone, even people who are very difficult.  Though, I do believe that it is more difficult to do with people that you have a long history of difficult communication patterns (family, spouse).  The judgments and assumptions are so ingrained in our lives that it is a feat in itself to practice empathic listening.  Michelle and I discussed that perhaps we can use it as a strategy to get through difficult family dinners, ie holidays!  It is not something that we could do for the long term.  It has its merits, though, and I will continue to use this type of listening when needed. 

Week #8 with Ray

My friend Ray lives on the other side of the world.  He lives in a bustling city where it is difficult for one to find a quiet area and experience nature.  After some thought on the subject of meditation in nature, he discovered his sanctuary on his building rooftop where he can see a beautiful mountain in the distance.  He told me that his city is actually surrounded by many scenic mountains and all it takes is an easy jaunt out of the city for a nice day's hike and breath of fresh air.  Unfortunately, he does not get much time to do this.  Life is so busy.  Like Ray, many of us don't take the many opportunities we actually have available to us to explore nature as we should. 


Ray described his "Presencing" practice conversation as letting go from "worldly concerns" and being in the now, the present.  As his conversation with his person progressed, he continued to "cut out the noise".  To me, this shows a real focus on being aware of what is going on, pushing out those niggling thoughts and concentrating on what is right in from of him.  When I asked Ray what he thought it meant to be focusing on his "future self", he replied that it could be about preventing any assumptions about what is happening now and what the future could be.  It's letting the conversation flow where it may, not controlling it.  He described it as stepping back from "the controls" and not being the driving force. 


Ray has a firm grasp on what it means to be present.  I asked him if he found any part of this exercise to be difficult and he only answered that it can be a struggle because it goes against the way we are used to interacting.  Wise words, Ray.  Enjoy that roof top view and go hiking, will you?!

Are you Presencing right now?

 

During my coaching call this week, Michelle and I delved into what it really means to be in the state of Presencing.  I told Michelle that this week's assignment allowed me gain more insight into this act of being that I did not previously have.  Not only did my 15 minute meditation show me things I have never seen before, I was also able to be more mindful in conversations.   


I attempted to put presencing into practice by engaging in a conversation with someone who is a very close friend of mine who I knew about 25 years ago.  We just reconnected last year on social media and have been catching up ever since.  What we have found is that our lives are VERY similar even though we have gone down completely different paths.  Some of the things we have discovered about each other are very personal in regards to a difficult topic. Our meetings remind me of the Circle of Seven women.  In our last conversation together, I paid full attention to what she was saying without judgment and unconditional love.  As others might want to jump in and say “Oh yeah, I had a similar experience...blah, blah, blah....”, my focus remained on what she was saying and its meaning.  I was attentive to her nonverbal cues.  I was mindful that we were connecting to our authentic selves.  This connection of Presencing came from sharing similar experiences and deep listening. 


In the midst of our conversation (and in past conversations), I found that it brought forth our true inner natures, ones that are kind and good.  I made a discovery about our future that we will always be connected through these experiences.   When we talk, the quality of our conversations are at a high level because we have awareness.  We've been out of touch for so many years and have so much to say to each other but we try to focus on only a few important things at one “meeting” over coffee so that it is not overwhelming.  (We often say we wish we had a full 24 hours together because we have so much ground to cover)  Further, when I say our conversations are of high quality, I mean that they convey a deeper meaning and include empathic listening.  There is a synergy as we converse. 

 

Finally, I believe that our dialogue helped her reach a higher potential because it made her more aware of her future actions.  As well, we have established a code of conduct in conversations that will effect  our future conversations. Finally, I think we learn just as much about ourselves as we do each other.  This "expanded sense of self" allows us to emerge into our future selves. 

What exactly is Suspension?

My coachee, Ray, is probably the best person I know to do this Suspension exercise with as he is an avid debater with strong opinions.  The practice of Suspension was an interesting discovery process for him in that he had to suspend his judgment and be silent for much longer than he normally feels comfortable doing.  The conversation he chose to have was between him and a friend that enjoys some friendly debate.  The friend was advocating his very strong views on what he believes to be the transparency of government.  Ray did not necessarily agree with his arguments.  During the 2 part process of Suspension, Ray looked inward and focused on reflecting on what his friend was saying vs. reacting.  As he listened and acted as bystander by asking clarifying questions, he felt a heightened awareness of what he was doing in the conversation.  He realized that he needed to watch his tone when responding so as not to sound judgmental.  He felt that this would show his friend that he respected his opinion.  As he does in his classroom with his students, he envisioned how his friend may see him in this role and what he might have to do to make this a more successful activity.


Towards the end of the conversation , he spoke to his friend about how he felt their dialogue went.  He told Ray he felt "impressed" by the conversation.  I ask though, was it because Ray didn't challenge him in a debate?  Or was he impressed that Ray asked him challenging questions that made him understand his point of view further?  Ray obtained a greater understanding of his awareness and his friend's views but did his friend also have that mutual understanding?


I asked Ray if he felt that Suspension was practical in everyday conversation and where it would be best utilized.  He responded that Suspension definitely has it's place in the stage of generative dialogue.  There is something to be said for the carefulness, mindfulness and suspension of judgment, especially when it comes to conflict resolution.  Inquiry also has it's place.  It was helpful in this situation and both Ray and I agreed that we improvised on this practice by making inquiries with the other person in order to act in that neutral bystander role.  Inquiry was not necessarily clarified in this assignment.  We both agreed we would like to see a model of this practice in action so that we can further wrap our heads around the concept.  Perhaps our professor can be a party to a conference call and observe us in practice?  Or maybe there is a good video to watch on this subject?  We are seeking further information on how best to utilize this practice. 

A one-sided conversation

Today Michelle and I discussed the practice of Suspension and how we think it applies in our everyday conversations.  I told Michelle I had to read and reread this piece about Suspension to understand what it actually meant.  I have decided that it is about suspending judgment and being silent while listening to another person's point of view.  Can it really be as simple as that? Was I trying to read too much into it?  I tried using Suspension with a friend today who is traditionally very selfish and our conversations are usually all about her.  Normally, I would be fighting for some floor time or interjecting with my opinions but today, the spotlight was all on her.  I listened.  I noticed my thoughts as I was listening but silenced them to listen even more deeply to what she was saying.  I suspended my judgments and fought back the urge to interject.  After her long running one-sided conversation (about 45 minutes), when I was finally able to get a word in edgewise, I repeated back to her some of the things she had said for further clarification.  It was then that I offered a few bits of what I was noticing, but without judgment.  I asked questions such as "Have you considered...?" or "What does this mean to you?" to assist her getting perspective on her thoughts.  I acted as a bystander rather than a mover or opposer.  It was difficult not to offer my advice since she seems to always have issues.  Next time I try to use Suspension, I will definitely practice it on someone else where the conversation will not so one-sided.  I think it will be even more difficult when I do use this with someone else because that person will be expecting me to respond.  Still, I am not sure I quite get the gist of what Suspension really is, when to use it, when inquiry comes into play and how to use it to my advantage.  I will be seeking further clarification on this issue. 

Awareness of thought

Today I was able to just let my thoughts be, let them happen, rather than fight them or talk them out, get angry or frustrated.  I went for a long walk with my dogs today because it was just so beautiful and the sky was blue with no clouds.  Usually I let my thoughts take over and I miss out on everything that is going around me.  I just let them be today, acknowledged them and then they flew out as soon as they came in.  My thoughts didn't control me today, I just noticed that I had them.  Normally, I just download and have the same old conversations with myself and the same negative feelings as I get overwhelmed with thoughts. I think that this awareness of my thoughts might help me in the fields of talking nice and talking tough by letting myself have these thoughts but not necessarily act upon them.  I can pick and choose what is important to me to talk nicely about or if it is important enough to talk tough. 
Today, I intentionally observed myself with thoughts about not wanting to go to work today.  I was so overwhelmed with my to do list today that my thoughts were racing everywhere.  I forced myself to become conscious of specifically my thoughts about going to work. I realized that I needed to do some self-exploration as to why I was feeling like this and come to a decision whether or not I would go and move on.  As I was able to focus on this thought and nothing else, I was able to think more clearly.  I made my decision and felt super calm about it.