Week #9 Teachers are natural empathic listeners

Ray and I connected this week on our final coaching call to discuss empathic listening.  I enjoyed my morning cup o' joe while Ray finished up his supper (13 hour time difference).  I began our coaching call by asking Ray if he felt he was an empathic listener and his answer surprised me: He feels that as a teacher, he is a natural empathic listener.  Essential to his job is teaching students to speak English as their second language.  In order to truly reach out to the students, he needs to be able to understand them and listen to what the possibilities are behind the words they  struggle to speak.  Not just anyone can teach students a second language in their home country.  Ray respects their culture; who they are as people.  As a foreigner living in another country, he understands what it is like to struggle with a language.  It's that understanding and the ability to place himself in another person's position that makes him successful in what he does. 


His answer surprised me for a reason:  I never thought of teachers as a group to be empathic listeners.  It seems like such an obvious statement but when we have read and talked about this subject, I was always thinking of listening on an individual level.  Now that I think about it, there are many professions that would require empathic listening: nursing, funeral home, political (I know, I know) and the list could go on an on.  It would seem to me that if empathic listening was taught and ingrained in other professions (attorneys, customer service representatives...) the world just might be a better and happier place!

Week#9 Listening beyond the words.

I told my coach, Michelle, that I was not enthusiastic about today's exercise as it required me to do something I don't normally do...spend time with a particular someone who can be close minded, racist, judgmental and all-around spoiler of anything that has the potential to be good in life. Therefore, this person was the PERFECT someone to try empathic listening on.

I found that the most important thing I had to practice today was patience.  Normally, my impatience with this person prevents me from listening to most of the things that are said.  Today, instead of interrupting, I stopped myself and let that person talk.  I had to start off by just listening to what was being said.  I did not practice empathic listening right off the bat.  I had to be quiet for a long while until I could reach the point of stepping outside of my own shoes and going into hers. This person often complains about work and instead of describing situations, she attacks people and their personalities.  Internally, I get so upset when she does this and this is where the judgment comes in (on my part), which is ironic because I get sick of her being judgmental when in fact, I am being it too. 
Instead of being judgmental, I listened to her words and emotional tone.  I looked to see where it was coming from.  Was I listening beyond the words and hearing something different?  I believe I was.  I heard that she was upset at the way she was being treated and is tired of the same old thing day in and day out at her job. She is older and doesn't the hold the capacity for tolerance that younger people may have.  What she says just comes out differently and is hidden behind some nasty words.  See, the thing is, I have always known this but I have grown tired of listening to it so I am no longer an empathic listener with this person. 
This was an important exercise for me today because it helped me realize that I am capable of empathic listening with everyone, even people who are very difficult.  Though, I do believe that it is more difficult to do with people that you have a long history of difficult communication patterns (family, spouse).  The judgments and assumptions are so ingrained in our lives that it is a feat in itself to practice empathic listening.  Michelle and I discussed that perhaps we can use it as a strategy to get through difficult family dinners, ie holidays!  It is not something that we could do for the long term.  It has its merits, though, and I will continue to use this type of listening when needed.